


Or Maybe I Prefer Not to Coddle Your Latest Soldier Boyfriend

by sugarandspace



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: (past) - Freeform, 02x08, 03x08, Angst, Communication, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Immortality Issues (Shadowhunter Chronicles), M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, because there's references to episode, omg that's a tag, this is set to
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-20
Updated: 2018-05-20
Packaged: 2019-05-09 11:48:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14715455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugarandspace/pseuds/sugarandspace
Summary: Lilith, the mother of all demons, is loose in his city. She has his parabatai under a spell. People are looking at him for solutions but he has none. There's a lot going on for Alec, and on top of all that he really needs to have a talk with Magnus about their relationship. But when will they have time for that? When was the last time Alec felt calm?





	Or Maybe I Prefer Not to Coddle Your Latest Soldier Boyfriend

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this after I saw this promo for 03x08 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1ifYU46oOM), and this was just going to be a short reaction drabble. But my need for good old communication threw that plan out of the window, under the bus, and into the gutter. Now it’s a 4,4K monster.
> 
> IMPORTANT WARNING! This references Max’s party in 02x08, so there’s talk about suicide. Over all at the beginning Alec’s head is not a nice place to be.

Alec didn’t believe a word that demon said. He’d known Jace over half of his life and the mean words that were leaving the Owl’s mouth did nothing to deter his faith in his brother, or the relationship between them.

The words he said to Magnus though? They hit their mark like a charmed arrow. 

_ “Or maybe I prefer not to coddle your latest soldier boyfriend.” _

The words hit a nerve, an insecurity that had been hiding in his head since the arguments with Magnus had started. On some level maybe even before that.

He didn’t know which part bothered him the most. The reminder that he was just the latest in a line of boyfriends and girlfriends, the thought that there would be others after him, or the notion of being coddled like a child. Unlike the things the Owl had said to him, this short sentence wasn’t a lie. 

And Alec knew he wasn’t able to hide his reaction, not completely, and not from Magnus. The cautious look that Magnus gave him did nothing to reassure the turmoil in his head, rather settling an awkward tension between them. The discussion clearly wasn’t over yet, but when would they have time for it? Alec didn’t like the uncertainty around their relationship, but where would they find time to solve their problems when there were other, more pressing things, happening at the same time?

-.-.-

Turns out they found that time later that night. It was hours after Lilith had disappeared with Jace and they had tried their all to come up with a solution. Eventually Magnus had convinced both Alec and Isabelle that they needed rest, that they wouldn’t be able to solve this when they could hardly stay awake. Isabelle had retreated to the guest room, but Alec found himself from the balcony, hoping that the fresh air would clear his head if even a little bit.

He was leaning on the ledge of the balcony, watching the city lights. His hands were on the ledge, gripping the edge in a death grip. 

He made a promise to Jace. He made a promise and a minute later he broke it. He is the head of the New York Institute and Lilith, the mother of all demons, was loose in his city. Everyone looked up for him for a solution but he had none. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been this lost.

And on top of that things with Magnus were still complicated. Sure, they had apologised and made up, but the short conversation and a hug hadn’t been able to completely demolish such a deep rooted issue. 

Alec’s eyes drifted to another part of the balcony, the part where just a few weeks ago he had tried to fling himself down to the busy street below. Where he had flung himself down, - and had been saved by Magnus.

He was honest when he told Magnus that he would never do that, he wouldn’t put others through that. He didn’t want to think too highly of himself, but he wasn’t stupid. He knew it would be hard for Magnus, -being left again-, and it would be devastating for Izzy, for Max and for their parents. For Jace too, if he were himself. Alec knew what it felt like to feel your parabatai die, and even though he wasn’t sure if the bond had been restored perfectly after Jace came back to life, he was pretty sure Jace would feel his death as well. And what an dishonor it would be to his family. Losing their eldest by such a cowardly act instead of honorable death in battle.

But what if? What if he didn’t need to worry about anything anymore? Wouldn’t need to think about his incompetence as a leader, as a brother, as a boyfriend? Everything could just stop. To cease to exist and stop haunting him. Alec bit his lip and furrowed his eyebrows. When was the last time he’d felt calm?

His thoughts were interrupted then, when Magnus appeared in front of him, blocking his view of that part of the ledge where he had almost taken his life. Magnus looked worried, and he carefully placed one of his warm hands on top of Alec’s that was cold and still holding onto the balcony as tightly as the stress was winding him up.

“Everything alright?” Magnus asked tentatively, his voice calm.

Alec just looked down and avoided Magnus’ eyes. Because no, everything was not alright but he didn’t find the strength in himself to lie.

“You should come inside,” Magnus tried when he got no reply. “It’s getting cold in here and you should get some rest.”

“I can’t,” Alec said. His voice sounded too thick even to his own ears but he hoped that Magnus didn’t notice. On top of everything he couldn’t be weak as well. “I can’t sleep when I can’t stop thinking about all these things.”

“I can’t imagine the thoughts being much better in here either,” Magnus answered, briefly glancing behind himself to  _ that  _ part of the balcony, before quickly turning back towards Alec. “Please come inside Alexander.”

Alec let Magnus take his hand and lead him inside, the warm air inside the loft making him realise how cold he was, a shiver running through his body as he was led towards the couch.

“You are freezing,” Magnus noted as he sat Alec down. “Wait here, I’ll be back in a second.”

Alec watched as Magnus disappeared into the kitchen, and he briefly wondered why Magnus didn’t just use his magic like he usually did, before Alec remembered that it had not been an easy night for Magnus either and he was probably trying to save up his magic for more important things. Alec felt guilty for making Magnus worry for him as well.

Soon Magnus returned, a cup of steaming tea in his hands. He gave the cup to Alec and sat down next to him, close but still giving Alec his own space.

“Thank you,” Alec said as he lifted the cup to his lips, not taking a sip yet but instead breathing in the warm air and the sweet scent of the tea. He took a deep breath in and released it in a sigh. “You didn’t need to go through the trouble though.”

“Nonsense,” Magnus replied, his tone kind. “I wanted to. I want to help Alexander, if you just let me.”

“I don’t know how,” Alec confessed. “That’s the problem. I don’t know how to make any of this better.”

“Alexander...” Magnus started, like at a loss for words. Unlike Alec, who couldn’t stop talking now that he’d started.

“I made a promise Magnus. I told Jace I wouldn’t let Lilith take him and she did. You should have seen him there Magnus. He’s being tortured and I gave him false hope. I couldn’t help and I have no idea how I’ll make it better.” Alec said, setting his cup down so that he was able to lean his elbows to his knees, holding his face in his hands in distress.

“You don’t have to figure that out on your own,” Magnus comforted, moving his hand up and down Alec’s back.  

Alec didn’t reply, instead he confessed another one of his insecurities, “I’m supposed to be a leader but I have no idea what to tell the people. What if Jace made a wrong decision when he pointed me to the Head of the Institute? I’m letting him down along everyone else.”

“You are not letting anyone down,” Magnus said sternly. “Listen to me Alexander.”

Alec did nothing to indicate that he’d heard the order, so soon he felt the comforting hand move away from his back, two of them moving to Alec’s own hands to pry them away from his face. Reluctantly, Alec straightened his back and angled his body so that he was facing Magnus, Magnus never once letting his hands go.

“You are not letting anyone down,” Magnus repeated, looking Alec in the eyes so intensely that Alec couldn’t look away. “You are doing everything you can. If there were an easy solution you would have found it by now, we would have found it.”

Deep down Alec knew all that, but somehow hearing someone else tell him that seemed to be just what he needed. To know that Magnus knew that he was trying all he could, it meant a lot. 

“But that’s not all there is, is it?” Magnus asked carefully.

Alec bit his lip, the uneasiness inside of him never giving up.

_ “Just promise you’ll tell me if things ever get that bad.” _

“I thought about it,” Alec said quietly after a while of silence had passed. All the while Magnus was patiently giving him time to gather his thoughts. “I thought about that night of Max’s party.”

Magnus sucked in a quick breath, his whole body seeming to freeze at Alec’s words.

“Alexander,” he breathed, pure devastation clear on his face.

“I didn’t actually consider doing it again,” Alec quickly reassured, looking down to their still joined hands, away from Magnus’ shocked expression. He didn’t want Magnus to think that he was going to repeat what had happened then. “Well I did, but only for a moment and I was never going to do it. I also thought about all the reasons why it is a bad idea. Well idea is a wrong word, like I said I wasn’t going to do anything. It wasn’t an idea it was more like a passing thought, like-” 

Alec was rambling, never too good with words. But his words came to a stop when he was pulled into a tight hug, strong arms pulling him close to Magnus’ warm chest. 

“I’m so sorry,” Magnus said then, his voice shaky and quiet next to Alec’s ear.

“ _ You  _ are sorry?” Alec asked, confused. After the surprise wore of he lifted his arms to wrap them around Magnus, reciprocating the hug and relaxing against his boyfriend.

“I haven’t been paying enough attention to see just how much all of this has been affecting you,” Magnus explained, his voice wavering, a clear indication that he was about to cry.

“It is not your fault,” Alec said sternly, tightening his arms around Magnus. “Stop blaming yourself for the things that aren’t your fault.”

Magnus pulled away from the hug enough to look Alec in the eyes, and the expression he wore looked taken aback. It took a while before he spoke, and it was like he was shaking the thoughts that had just entered, hiding them behind the walls he still had up in his head and around his heart. Alec didn’t blame him, he had spent centuries building those walls, taking them down didn’t happen in a span of two months.

“Whatever the reason,” Magnus dismissed Alec’s words, moving his hands to Alec’s shoulders, kneading the tense muscles there. “The bottom line is that you are tired and everything seems so much worse than it actually is. Go to sleep for a little while, and I will wake you up if something happens. And if you can’t fall asleep, let me help. I can make it all stop for an hour or two, so you’ll be able to rest,” Magnus suggested, caressing the skin at the back of Alec’s neck while looking him in the eyes. 

“I’ll just activate a stamina rune, I will be alright,” Alec said and reached to his pocket for his stele. He didn’t want to waste time sleeping, and he didn’t want this conversation to be over. This was most they had been talking in days.

But as soon as he got his stele out of his pocket, Magnus took it from his hand. Alec liked to think that he had better reflexes than that, but maybe he was as tired as Magnus was trying to say.

“No,” Magnus said, the word stern but gentle. “You need real rest.”

“So do you,” Alec reiterated. “You’ve been running with just as little sleep as I have.”

“I can keep watch,” Magnus said. “If it’ll help you sleep better.”

“You can’t do that,” Alec argued. “You can’t act like you’ve done something bad and need to punish yourself because of it.” 

Magnus looked surprised at Alec’s words, if because Alec could see through him so well, or because he was not giving up, Alec didn’t know. 

“Dont’ act like it isn’t obvious,” Alec said, placing his hands on Magnus’ hands, where they were resting on his lap. He took his stele from Magnus, but didn’t use it. Instead he placed it safely back into his pocket. “I know you blame yourself for what happened to Jace. It is not your fault. The Owl had him way before he drank that elixir, and if you wouldn’t have given it to Lilith, she would have found it somewhere else. I want to have Jace back, but not at the expense of your life.”  

“We wouldn’t have lost Jace today if I had been stronger,” Magnus argued, looking down and moving his hands away from Alec’s loose grip. 

“No, I should have been faster,” Alec said, moving his hand to tilt Magnus’ head up, using his other hand to chase Magnus’ and hold it again. Alec looked him in the eyes as he continued speaking. “It’s like what you said to me. You tried all you could, I have no doubt about that. I don’t blame you for anything Magnus, and you shouldn’t do so either.”

Magnus still looked guilty, but he wasn’t arguing, and Alec counted that as a small victory. Alec felt like their talk had cleared some air between them, and he felt lighter now that the topics were out in the open. Or some of them, since there were still quite a few things they needed to talk about, and now seemed to be as good time as any, or more so a better time than they had had in a while.

“I’m sorry for starting that argument the other morning,” Alec said, using both of his hands to play with Magnus’ ringed fingers.

“You don’t have to apologize,” Magnus reassured him, stopping Alec’s hands by holding them both between his own, the warmth soothing. “I know my immortality is a big topic, and it’s a topic you wouldn't normally even have to worry about if you were dating someone of your own kind.”

“But I’m not,” Alec said, a hint of intensity in his words. “And I don’t want to. I’m with you and I wouldn’t trade it for an ‘easier’ relationship with a shadowhunter. Actually I remember it being quite the opposite, I  _ was _ getting married after all before I came to my senses.”

Magnus laughed a little at that, and Alec felt happy that he’d managed to momentarily lighten up the conversation, even if only for a little bit.

“And I guess you are right, this is my first relationship,” Alec said and he watched the smile disappear from Magnus’ face.

“I didn’t mean-,” Magnus started, but Alec cut him off before he could continue.

“I know you didn't mean it in a  bad way,” Alec said. “But it is true. I am inexperienced when it comes to all of this. I don’t know how relationships usually work and how one should progress. I don’t know what is the right way to do everything.”

“There is no single right way, as you put it.” Magnus said. “Every relationship is different, ours more so than usual. I’ve said it before, but the statement still stands. This is new for me too. I’ve never been with a shadowhunter before, and I’ve never fallen this fast for someone. You truly are one of a kind, Alexander.”

Hearing that made Alec smile, the notion of being special in a way easing his insecurities. Still, he felt the need to explain his thoughts behind the argument.

“It’s just hard to think about how fleeting our time together is in your lifespan. I feel like our time is slipping away, day by day I’m getting older and like I said, I can’t stand the idea of me being old and feeble, being so… different to what I am now,” Alec tried to articulate his thoughts the best he could, and he appreciated it how Magnus listened without interruptions. “And a part of me hates the idea of me dying. like I know it’s inevitable, and I know that with a life like mine, I could die tomorrow. I don’t like the idea of leaving you alone, of causing you pain. I don’t want our time to be cut short, because I feel like no amount of time with you will be enough. There’s so much I’ve experienced with you, and there’s still so many things I need to experience. That we need to experience together.”

Magnus just looked at Alec, in awe of the words that left the shadowhunter’s mouth. Alec noticed that his eyes were filling with tears, but he wasn’t letting them fall.

“I don’t want you to,- to die either,” Magnus said, and that was the cue for the first tear to finally fall. Magnus squeezed his eyes shut and that just resulted in more tears falling. Alec reached his hands up to brush them away, feeling a lump in his throat at the vulnerability Magnus held in that moment.

“Immorality is a curse as much as it is a gift, sometimes even more so,” Magnus said, visibly trying to calm himself while looking at Alec, lifting his hand to cover one of Alec’s that was still resting on his cheek. “Losing the ones you love and knowing there’s nothing you can do about it, it is awful Alexander. And I might have lived through a lot, but my memory has its limits. That’s why I have my box. I know you don’t want to hear it, but I still hold all of those people close to my heart. And sometimes I need to take out the box and look at the things, to be reminded of the people and the memories I shared with them. They deserve that, and I deserve to keep those memories. There’s only handful of times I’ve really been in love, and I want you to understand that those past loves no way lessen the love I feel for you.”

“I understand that,” Alec said, and he really meant it. His hands fell back down now that Magnus’ wasn’t crying anymore, and it was Magnus’ turn to explore his hands, rough from years or archery. “I shouldn’t have been jealous, that was unfair of me. I’m sorry.”

“It was a natural reaction,” Magnus said, giving Alec a reassuring smile. He looked down at their hands and seemed thoughtful for a moment, before he lifted his eyes to Alec’s and carefully brought back a topic from a moment ago. “Also, what you said about not wanting to die... You need to remember that thought the next time you find yourself thinking about the night of Max’s party.”

“Like I told you, I wasn’t going to do it,” Alec said, looking Magnus straight in the eyes to show how honest he was being. “I’m not going to do something like that.”

“But it’s a serious issue we need to talk about,” Magnus said. “Like the quilt we feel and like the immortality issue. We need to talk. I’ll be the first to admit that we haven’t been very good at that lately.”

“I agree,” Alec said. “I feel so much better now that we’ve talked.”

“As do I,” Magnus said, a real smile reaching his eyes for the first time in a long time.

Alec kind of felt bad for ruining that smile, but he couldn’t fight the temptation to close the distance between them and kiss Magnus. The kiss stayed slow, Alec’s hand finding its place at Magnus’ jaw again, his thumb caressing the skin where the tears had dried up. His other hand was on Magnus’ waist, pulling the warlock closer even though Magnus seemed to be doing that even without prompting. Magnus’ hands went to Alec’s hair, messing up the already messy strands. The kiss lasted a while, it was like they were making up for lost time, and who knows how long they would have kept at it, if a voice wouldn’t have startled them from their daze. 

“Sorry if I’m interrupting.”

They both pulled away from each other and  turned their heads towards the sound, seeing Izzy standing there. 

“Shouldn’t you be asleep?” Alec asked, a slight hint of accusing slipping into his tone. Alec heard Magnus scoff quietly next to him but decided to ignore it.

“I got a few hours, that’ll be enough for now,” Izzy shrugged. “Simon called and told that he has some information about his mark, he’s coming over and we’re going to look into it.”

“That’s great, do you think it might help us with Lilith or the Owl?” Alec asked, already alert and in planning mode.

“Possibly,” Izzy nodded.

“How can I help?” Alec asked, standing up from the couch, Magnus following after him and placing a calming hand on his arm. 

“By going to bed and getting a few hours of sleep,” Izzy replied in a tone that left little room to arguing. 

“I agree with Izzy,” Magnus said. “The three of us can look into it and we’re going to wake you up as soon as we find out something useful.”

“No,” Izzy argued, making Magnus look at her in confusion. “Simon and I are going to look into it. You need sleep too Magnus.”

Magnus was going to argue but Izzy cut him off before he could start. 

“Besides, I need you to make sure my brother actually sleeps and doesn't lie in bed planning strategies.”

Magnus smiled at that, obviously knowing when it was best to back off. After all he couldn’t deny it, he looked exhausted, and Isabelle and Simon could handle it on their own for a while. He couldn’t argue with Isabelle and at the same time tell Alec to go to bed, when they were both equally in need of some sleep. “Will do.”

“You need to promise me that you’ll wake us up as soon as you find out something,” Alec told Izzy as Magnus was already dragging him towards the bedroom. “As soon as you need us.”

“I promise Alec,” Izzy said, her expression sympathetic. “Get some sleep, both of you.”

Alec nodded and let Magnus lead him to the bedroom, where just the sight of the soft looking bed made him realise just how tired he was. He wanted nothing more than to just crash into bed in all his gear and fall asleep, but he was alert enough to know that it wouldn’t be comfortable to sleep like that. He did quick work undressing himself so that he was only wearing his shirt and underwear, noticing Magnus do the same on the other side of the bed.

They got on the bed, under the soft covers so that they were facing each other, and as their heads hit the pillows they both let out content sighs. The situation was comical, and caused them both to laugh quietly.

“We are both too stubborn,” Magnus said and Alec had to agree. 

“Yeah,” he said. “We both need some sleep.”

Magnus chuckled and turned to lay on his back, Alec scooting closer to rest his head on Magnus’ chest. His arm lay over Magnus’ stomach, the closeness needed after the tension of last couple days.

Magnus moved his own arm to wrap around Alec’s shoulders before he spoke, “We are going to find a way Alexander. Don’t lose hope.”

“I won’t,” Alec replied. He angled his head up to leave a kiss to Magnus’ neck, but what he saw there was enough to distract him from that plan. “What is that on your neck?”

Alec leaned up on his elbow to inspect the thin red line that was circling Magnus’ neck, faded enough not to notice unless you were paying attention, or if you were looking at it as closely as Alec was.

“It’s nothing,” Magnus said, waving his hand in a dismissive gesture.

“Nothing?”

Magnus looked deflated, as he gave up and told Alec the truth.

“When Lilith came and took Jace, she-, well she didn’t exactly say please,” Magnus said as if joking, but that just made Alec more alert.

“She hurt you?” Alec asked, carefully inspecting Magnus’ neck.

“Her magic is powerful, and with how little I had left, I wasn’t able to heal it completely,” Magnus explained.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Alec asked, his eyebrows knitting together.   

“You had other things on your mind,” Magnus said, looking at Alec kindly.

“Well from now on I want you to tell me if you’re hurt,” Alec said sincerely while looking Magnus in the eyes.

“That I can do,” Magnus assured.

“And it’s just us in here,” Alec continued. “You can drop the glamour. Don’t waste your energy to hide the eyes that I love.”

Magnus smiled at that, closing his eyes for a moment. When he opened them, Alec was greeted with Magnus’ real eyes, eyes that he felt privileged to witness. 

Alec smiled, and left a soft kiss on Magnus’ lips, another one on the red line around his throat, and a third on his chest where he laid his head again, resuming the position they had a moment ago.

It was quiet for a while before Magnus spoke, “I think we really need to sleep now, I don’t dare face your sister before you’ve had a good rest.” 

“Me neither,” Alec laughed.

“Do you want me to help you fall asleep?” Magnus asked, lifting his hand where the calm blue sparks of magic were ready. “I can calm down your thoughts, make you feel safe.”

“You already do,” Alec replied. “Just, hold me?”

Magnus smiled at that and dropped his hand. That he could do.

And even though all their problems weren’t cured, some of them were. And they were both able to fall asleep with lighter minds and lighter hearts, more prepared to face what was waiting for them after. Because when the world was a mess around them, at least they had each other to count on.   

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> My first full length Malec fic so all comments are appreciated!!! Thank you for reading!!


End file.
